The Road to Disappointment
by Chandagnac
Summary: In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. But what if someone tried to find a better way? What if I got really carried away writing the backstory for a character in a PBP roleplaying game? Is it absolutely necessary for eldar to behave like arrogant, whiny teenagers? Will I ever write a second chapter for this story? Erm...


_I originally wrote this as the backstory for a character in a PBP roleplaying game. I got incredibly carried away with it. In the end, I was unable to send it to the GM because it was too large to fit in a private message. So I posted it here instead._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Warhammer 40K. This is a work of fanfiction._

* * *

Evarvae Uldanthyr was born on the Alaitoc Craftworld. She was raised in the shadows of old glories; she spent her childhood immersed in tales of legendary heroes and the great heights from which the eldar had fallen, never to rise up again. She wanted to guide her people to new victories, lead them to triumph over their foes, rediscover the lost marvels and wonders of the ancient eldar civilisation (and discover some new ones as well!); she longed to defy all those who told her that the eldar were "a dying race". And so, she rebelled against Alaitoc's oppressive and highly regimented social order. She demanded to be the master of her own destiny.

The Path of the Seer is a difficult one, treacherous and complex. Most eldar are prudent in that they do not set foot on this path until they can draw upon centuries of wisdom and experience to help guide them. With the impetuous folly of youth, Evarvae set out to master the Path of the Seer when she was little more than a child. She felt that the elders who led and ruled the eldar of Craftworld Alaitoc were too set in their ways: bitter, prejudiced and overly cautious. Their adherence to tradition and the tenets of the Eldar Path had led only to stagnation and the slow death of their civilisation. Surely there must be a better way, Evarvae thought. There were so many options that had never been tried!

_'Ahh, such hubris... I was such a fool!'_ (Pause) _'I still am. Even now, I have hopes.'_

Her latent psychic powers were slow to develop. She was impatient, eager to put her plans into action. She spent decades studying every book, every dusty ancient tome, every scrap of information she could lay her hands on, as if knowledge and a hoard of ill-gotten secrets could substitute for the ability to see into the future. She learned much about psykers, the nature of the warp and the foul creatures that dwell within it. She studied politics so that she could better articulate why she wanted to make sweeping changes to the social structure of Alaitoc. And she heard a great deal about the barbaric ways of the lesser races and how they squandered resources that should rightfully belong to the eldar.

She turned her gaze on the mighty Imperium of Man. She examined the institutions of the Adeptus Terra, saw how the High Lords of Terra controlled the minds, hearts, and souls of a myriad humans, all in the name of the immortal God-Emperor. She realised that – even with their hopelessly primitive technology and failure to innovate – the armies of humanity were mightier than the eldar could ever hope to match. She admired the prodigious strength of the Space Marines, hatching devious plans for how she would manipulate them and use them to destroy the ancient enemies of the Eldar.

However... after much consideration, she abandoned these plans. She realised that humans would never willingly be pawns of the eldar – and if she made unwilling pawns of them they would take revenge however they could. They had many reasons to hate the eldar; in fact, some of them were quite good reasons. And yet, humans had been known to ally with the eldar in the fight against the forces of Chaos, tyrannids and other vile creatures that were a terrible threat to both races. They were not entirely unreasonable. She might find allies among the humans if she could show them the enormous benefit they would gain from such an alliance!

It was at about this time that she came across the concept of "commerce" – how humans and some of the other lesser races bought and sold goods and services using "money". After much research, she figured out that "money" was an almost entirely symbolic representation of value. "Commerce" was a game: an incredibly complicated, sophisticated and deadly serious game. "Money" was a way of keeping track of the score. Evarvae was amazed by it. She tried to understand it, but it seemed impossibly vast and intricate. The eldar had nothing like it.

Occasionally, the eldar had to lower themselves to barter with the lesser races for the return of things they valued: soulstones, or artefacts of the ancient eldar civilisation, for example. Usually, eldar treated such negotiations as a joke – a game – a chance to prove how superior they were. Partly because of this, the eldar had acquired a reputation for being fickle, treacherous and unpredictable. This made it harder for them to bargain for the things they really wanted: only a few exceptionally incautious and greedy people were willing to trade with them. (Privately, Evarvae thought that a truly treacherous person would cultivate a reputation for being scrupulously fair, open and honest. That way, if it became necessary to betray someone, the betrayal would be much more devastating because it would come as a shock.)

In spite of her self-discipline, the countless hours she had devoted to study and research, training and meditation, Evarvae was unable to master the Path of the Seer. She was chafing at the restrictions placed on her and despairing of being unable to advance any of her personal goals. Thus, she decided to leave Alaitoc and embark on the Path of the Outcast.

_'I failed to live up to my dreams. I... I left Alaitoc and walked a different path, that of the Outcast. Ever since then, the elders of Craftworld Alaitoc have treated me with a mixture of pity and contempt. To them, I am a child: a foolish, wasteful child who was given too many chances and squandered all of them.'_

The galaxy is not a kind place. In the first few years of her exile, Evarvae learned many harsh lessons. Many times, she struggled to keep from weeping in pain and fear and humiliation and rage and frustration and hunger and sorrow and exhaustion. More than once, she had to defend herself from the depredations of bandits, pirates and slavers. She evaded all their attempts to rob, murder, enslave or otherwise violate her. She survived. She had to kill a lot of people, but they all were wretched _mon'keigh_ criminals, so they didn't really matter.

She gained knowledge and experience that she hoped would eventually allow her to turn her schemes into reality. She became quite adept at disguise, the better to hide in the midst of the human herd. She made a few contacts and kept a careful eye out for potential allies. She sold a few of the things she had looted from the bodies of the men who'd tried to rob her and she used the money to buy things that would be useful: she was assembling a collection of tools and weapons. In all of these trades she made sure to be honest and straightforward, even with merchants who didn't realise that she was an eldar. She was cultivating a reputation.

After more than a dozen years of wandering the galaxy, Evarvae encountered Inquisitor Pericles Hawkshaw. First, she heard rumours of his quest to hunt down and exterminate a notorious Chaos cult. By calling in a few favours, she was able to follow the rumours and conduct her own investigation; she discovered that Hawkshaw and his favoured acolytes were being led into a trap. Unless she found some way to prevent it, they would all be pinned down and slaughtered.

Evarvae sent an anonymous message to Inquisitor Hawkshaw, warning him of the danger. Then, just before the ambush was due to take place, she quietly and stealthily assassinated several of the cultists who were supposed to take part; discovering these deaths, the other cultists went into disarray. Hawkshaw and his acolytes and a squad of Adeptus Arbites took advantage of the confusion. They killed or captured the rest of the Chaos cultists on the spot and went on to purge the rest of the cult, including several very wealthy and powerful individuals who would surely have evaded justice if Hawkshaw had been killed before he could denounce them.

For a while after that, Evarvae shadowed Inquisitor Hawkshaw and took the opportunity to find out more about him. She was somewhat embarrassed to find out that he was almost thirty years older than she was. She had always been told that humans were short-lived and immature, but this apparently young and healthy human was several decades older than she was, so what did that make her? She hated being treated like a child, but...

She saw that Hawkshaw was a shrewd and intelligent man, old enough to know that the universe was more complicated than the Imperial Creed would have it, but still young enough to be open to new ideas. If she could persuade him to listen to her, he might be a formidable ally.

Several more times, she acted to aid Inquisitor Hawkshaw from the shadows, supplying him with information and protecting him from those who intended to assassinate him. At last, she revealed herself. He was wary of her, but at least he was curious enough about why she had been helping him that he didn't immediately attack her. She offered to make him a mutually beneficial deal: in return for certain favours, she would work for him using her skills, knowledge and network of informants on his behalf. He agreed to her proposal.

Their partnership lasted for over a dozen years. By pooling their resources, they accomplished much more than either of them could have done alone. With Evarvae's help, Hawkshaw rooted out and destroyed several heretical cults, hunted down recidivists and fugitive psykers and uncovered a conspiracy involving a Cold Trade in relics of the accursed Yu'vath Empire. Because of his many successes, Hawkshaw gained an enormous amount of respect, power and influence. In gratitude, Hawkshaw helped Evarvae to locate and retrieve items that were valuable to the eldar: the soulstones of eldar lost in battle or tortured to death by the Imperial Inquisition; eldar-made weapons and armour; exquisite examples of the artisan's craft; fragments of ancient lore, the legends and literature of elder days: Evarvae arranged to have most of these things sent back to Alaitoc, although she kept a few things for herself: a powerful lasblaster, a forceshield generator and a set of fearsome spiked armour that had once belonged to a marauding eldar corsair. She was fascinated by the accoutrements of a long-dead eldar harlequin, a holo-suit and flip-belt, and she kept them so that she could study them, but she knew that she would eventually have to return them to their rightful owners.

At great risk to himself and his reputation, Hawkshaw even managed to secure the release of some eldar rangers that had been captured by other members of the Inquisition. Evarvae arranged to have the freed prisoners transported safely to the Alaitoc Craftworld where they were warmly welcomed and there was much rejoicing. She didn't quite understand why Hawkshaw had gone to such lengths to uphold his end of the bargain, but she congratulated herself that she had found a worthy and honourable human to ally with.

Only Hawkshaw's most trusted acolytes were told of their partnership. Some of them protested at having to work with xenos. They feared that Evarvae was manipulating Hawkshaw and that she eventually planned to betray him. Hawkshaw said, 'The eldar are a dying race, no threat to the Imperium. But while they live, they might be useful.'

When Evarvae heard that, she decided not to say anything. It didn't matter what Hawkshaw believed, if he thought she existed just to serve him, so long as she got what she wanted and achieved her goals. Whatever happened, the alliance wasn't going to last forever.

Their partnership began to break down after Hawkshaw suggested that Evarvae should be branded as a sanctioned xenos. He said that this would make it easier for her to operate in Imperial society; she wouldn't have to move in secret and disguise herself all the time. Evarvae could see that this might be somewhat beneficial. From a coldly logical standpoint, she was willing to do many things to gain an advantage: for example, she was collaborating with a member of the hated Imperial Inquisition. The sanctioning brand wasn't any worse than some of the other things she had done to herself. She could have it removed when she got back to the craftworld. She almost managed to persuade herself that it would be a good idea. But she was unable to go through with it. The idea of the sanctioning brand was abhorrent to her. It was a mark of slavery and it would proclaim to everyone who saw it that her life was no longer her own. It was more shame and humiliation than she could bear. She refused it.

After that, she noticed a change in Hawkshaw's behaviour. Or perhaps it had been like that before and she had failed to notice. He started treating her differently; sometimes, he seemed eager to please, simpering at her, giving her presents that she hadn't asked for and didn't want: a gown made of strange, constantly-shifting fabric, for example. She had the feeling that he was treating her like a favoured pet. At other times, he was angry and sullen with her for no reason that she could discern. More often, he tried to involve her in conversation, telling her stories of his life and inviting her to do the same, asking pointed questions that made Evarvae afraid that he was trying to extract information from her. She gave him very vague answers and tried not to reveal anything that might give an advantage to the armies of the Imperium when they attacked Alaitoc.

'I've never found the time to settle down, meet a nice woman, raise a family,' Inquisitor Hawkshaw said on more than one occasion. 'My work has always come first.'

'If you are feeling amorous, I am sure that the pretty daughters of several great noble houses would be delighted to make your acquaintance,' said Evarvae after she'd listened to Hawkshaw's musings on this subject for the third or fourth time. 'I will look into the matter and prepare a list of suitable candidates.'

He laughed, a little nervously. 'Hah, no, I still don't have time for that.'

'As you wish,' she said with a shrug. She wasn't sure why he'd brought up the subject if he wasn't going to do anything about it.

'What about you? Is there anyone special in your life, waiting for you back on Alaitoc?'

'My parents are special to me,' said Evarvae with a shrug. 'One day, I will go back to them.'

'Is there no one else? No old friends, rivals or sweethearts?' He spoke in a light-hearted, humorous tone, but at the same time he gazed at her with fierce intensity, looking into her eyes as if searching for something there. 'What a lonely life it must have been.'

She flinched and averted her gaze. 'You are correct. Like you, I never had time for frivolous things. I had goals and I was dedicated to achieving them. I didn't need friends or... _what you said.'_

'So why did you leave?'

For a moment, her mind went blank and she had no answer. The question reminded her of shame and hurt she had thought that she had forgotten long ago. 'What does it matter to you?' she blurted out.

'Please. Tell me.'

She looked away from him, staring into the distance until at last she decided to give him an answer. 'I... I achieved nothing. My research led nowhere. The other seers all saw me as a child: a silly, spoilt little girl. No one treated me like an equal. I... I wanted to prove that I could do something meaningful with my life.' She paused for a moment and then said as an addendum, 'I had many reasons for leaving.'

Hawkshaw made a sympathetic noise. 'So you have no fond memories of your home? That's–'

'I did not say that,' she said sharply. She could tell that he was trying to manipulate her, but she wouldn't let him: she wouldn't betray Alaitoc.

'–very sad. Tragic, even.'

'Walk into any downhive bar and you will hear many more tragic stories,' she said, shaking her head disdainfully. 'The galaxy is filled with endless amounts of grief and tragedy. What are you going to do about it?'

He gave her a roguish smile. 'I'm going to do the best I can, with you by my side. Do you think there is any limit to what we can accomplish, together?'

She gazed at him for a moment, unnerved by his behaviour. 'Sooner or later, you will have to do without me,' she said dully. 'What will you do then?'

He frowned at her, but he didn't say anything at all for the next few hours. At the time, Evarvae considered that a good result.

From then on, Evarvae found herself trying to distance herself from Inquisitor Hawkshaw while he kept trying to provoke some kind of reaction from her. Their alliance was cracking to pieces and she could see no way to fix it. He could be very possessive and controlling and she grew quite afraid of him. He wanted more than an alliance from her: he wanted to be her master.

She knew that she had to leave. But while she was planning her departure she heard whispers of a Chaos cult planning to summon a powerful daemon of Slaanesh. Her spies had done well to find out about the plot in time to prevent the summoning. She told Inquisitor Hawkshaw and he gathered his most trusted acolytes. They all got into Hawkshaw's aquila lander and flew to the city of Sacramor where the ritual was due to take place.

Evarvae imagined that when the fighting started she would have plenty of opportunities to vanish. The Chaos cultists would be thwarted, the daemon would be prevented from slaughtering a city full of mostly-innocent humans and Hawkshaw would add more lustre to his already glittering reputation. Meanwhile, she would go far away, never to be seen again.

It didn't work out like she'd planned. Everything went wrong almost as soon as the fighting began. The cultists had been forewarned; they were ready for the fight. Evarvae realised that this was her fault. Her spy network must have been infiltrated and subverted, somehow. Most of Hawkshaw's trusted acolytes were slain in the first few moments of combat. By that time, the ritual was complete. The daemon was summoned into the real world.

Evarvae took aim with her lasblaster and fired a torrent of lasbolts at the daemon just as it materialised. For a moment, it reeled back and snarled as if badly wounded. But then it shrugged off the injury as if it meant nothing. Its wounds sealed over and faded from sight.

The daemon leapt at Evarvae, spitting flame at her, lashing out with its claws, trying to grab hold of her with its pincers. She dodged desperately, drawing her sword and defending herself as best she could. She had no hope of winning. Against this terrible foe, she was lost. But she would not give in. She would keep on fighting until the end.

Where was Hawkshaw, she wondered. Why wasn't he doing anything to help her? She caught a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye. He was standing unmoving, as if in a daze. He was staring at the daemon, entranced. His lips were moving, mouthing words, but no sound came out. Evarvae was appalled that Hawkshaw had been beguiled by the daemon. Weren't Imperial inquisitors supposed to be strong-willed?

'I accept,' Hawkshaw said aloud. An evil smirk spread across his face. Then he turned his bolt pistol on the last of his acolytes. Evarvae was protected by her forceshield, but the other acolytes were not so lucky. They died, blown to pieces. Evarvae was the last.

'Inquisitor Hawkshaw!' she cried, backing away while the daemon's claws slashed at her like scythes. 'You swore to serve the God-Emperor of Mankind, to protect humanity... arghh! Y-you have b-betrayed everything you once stood for! Why?'

He grinned nastily at her. But in his eyes she thought she saw a look of horror and self-loathing. 'I betrayed the Emperor the first time I spoke to you without attempting to kill you, xenos witch!' he spat.

At this point, Evarvae felt something break inside her. She turned and fled. She was still miraculously unhurt, protected by her armour and forceshield. But her courage was gone. She ran blindly, thoughtlessly, not knowing where she was going. At any moment, she might be struck down by the daemon or Hawkshaw or the cultists that were still chasing her. She expected nothing but death.

She was very surprised when she came to her senses and found that she had been rescued by an eldar strike force led by the warlock Valatyr. They had been shadowing her for a while, waiting for her schemes to collapse around her. She was grateful to be rescued, but at the same time she was suspicious of Valatyr's motives. She knew him of old. He had been a member of Alaitoc's seer council.

'If you knew what was going to happen, why did you not prevent the cultists from summoning the daemon?' she asked.

'Your foolishness resulted in utter disaster. I refused to risk the lives of the eldar under my command in order to mitigate that,' said Valatyr, glaring at her. 'We saved you, but thousands – if not millions – of humans will die because of what you did. I hope this teaches you a lesson.'

'What lesson would that be?' Evarvae said stubbornly.

Valatyr spoke slowly, with exaggerated patience. 'The _mon'keigh_ hate every intelligent life-form other than themselves. Because their Emperor demands it, they have exterminated entire species, the populations of hundreds of worlds, trillions of lives. They would exterminate us if they could. Even if you manage to reason with them, they do not want you to interfere in their lives. They want nothing from you. If you really care, the best thing you can do for them is to leave them alone.'

'Because of my alliance with Inquisitor Hawkshaw, I was able to recover many artefacts that were thought lost to us. I traded my knowledge and abilities so that hundreds of soulstones would be returned to us. What of the rangers who were captured by the Inquisition? I freed them.' Actually, Hawkshaw had freed them, back when Evarvae had thought that he was a credit to his species, among the best and noblest of his kind. She could barely remember when.

'You freed some of them. The Imperial Inquisition was capturing, torturing and murdering eldar rangers long before you made your little alliance. And they will continue to do so.' Valatyr sighed. 'I am not denying that you had some minor successes along the way. It makes no difference. The _mon'keigh_ will blame you for the destruction of Sacramor. They will tell stories of how the good and noble Inquisitor Hawkshaw was tricked and seduced by an eldar harlot who stole away his soul and remade him into a champion of Chaos.'

Evarvae was about to protest that all of Hawkshaw's trusted acolytes were dead and Hawkshaw was unlikely to go around spreading rumours. No one else knew of their alliance. But then she remembered how the Chaos cultists had been ready for them, waiting. The only explanation was that her spy network had not been as well-hidden as she had assumed. With that in mind, could she be sure that no one had seen through her disguises? Might Inquisitor Hawkshaw have let something slip to one of his fellows? Perhaps one of his disgruntled acolytes had told someone? There were so many ways in which other inquisitors might have uncovered the truth.

'The _mon'keigh_ will want someone to blame for the fall of their hero. It will be convenient for them to blame you,' said Valatyr. He was watching her carefully.

Evarvae slowly nodded. She felt as if she were trapped in an unpleasant dream.

_'Am I to blame? If I had never met him, would Hawkshaw still be a loyal servant of the Emperor? Did I do something to corrupt him? What did I do?! How did it come to this?!_'

Drawing upon her reserves of calm, she took a deep, slow breath and said, 'You could salvage something from this disaster. You could banish the daemon. You could save the people of Sacramor.' She indicated Valatyr and the other members of the rescue party: enigmatic rangers in cameleoline cloaks, vicious-looking corsairs and aspect warriors in shining, brightly-coloured armour. 'All of you could do it, easily.'

'Why would we want to?' said Valatyr. 'Why would we bother to save the lives of _mon'keigh_? No. You made mistakes. Live with the consequences.'

'Not for me,' said Evarvae. 'For the eldar. By saving the lives of millions of Imperial citizens you will gain leverage that Alaitoc can use. We can open diplomatic talks with–'

'Some of us would die. I am not willing to make that sacrifice,' said Valatyr. 'What does it matter if a few million humans die today? In ten years, they will have spawned billions more.' He laughed bitterly. 'I am of the opinion that they need to be culled at regular intervals in order to keep their populations at manageable levels.'

Evarvae tried to speak, but he put his hand over her mouth as if quieting a very young child. Whispering in her ear, he said, 'We could be noble and heroic, saving the lives of innocent _mon'keigh_ civilians, oh yes! And then the Imperium would pretend that it had never happened. They have a proverb: "kill the alien before it can speak its lies." You know it?'

Another peal of bitter laughter escaped his mouth. He grimaced as if he had tasted something foul. 'The _mon'keigh_ believe that all xenos are evil and treacherous creatures who seek to destroy mankind. They will not accept anything that conflicts with this belief. In time, they will come to the conclusion that we were attempting to trick them, to lure them into a trap. Or something. They will send their warships and their legions to make an example of the Alaitoc craftworld so that all will know that the loyal servants of the God-Emperor are not so easily tricked.'

'Is... Is that the future you have seen?'

'It is a possible future. I will not let it come to pass,' said Valatyr grimly. He released his hold on Evarvae and took a step back.

Evarvae was silent for ages after that, contemplating the shattered ruins of her hopes and schemes. She had failed at everything she had set out to do. Worse than failed. At last, forlornly, she said, 'What am I going to do now?'

'Learn from this disaster and move on. Come home with us,' said Valatyr. 'You never wanted to be an outcast: you were doing what you believed was best for the craftworld. Now you know that you were wrong. Come home. Your parents have worried about you.'

'I... I do not agree with you,' said Evarvae. She was shaking slightly. 'I failed, this time, but that does not mean my plan was flawed from the start. As you say, I will learn from this disaster. And then I will try again. Next time, with the benefit of experience, I may succeed.'

'Why are you doing this? Do you really want to die for this idiocy?'

'No. I do not want to die. I... I want to change things for the better. I want to ensure the survival of our race. I want peace between humans and eldar. I believe these goals are worth fighting for. Even if I have to try again and again.'

Valatyr stared at her for several minutes, until she started to fidget. He gestured to one of the corsairs to come over to them. By eldar standards, the corsair was tall and quite brawny. There was a hard, cruel expression on his face. He had several serrated blades close to hand.

'This is Kaelmandalos,' said Valatyr. 'From now on, he will travel with you. He will guard you for as long as you persist in this foolishness.' He paused, staring at her. After a moment, he said 'Evarvae, remember this: your life is worth no more than that of any other eldar. Do nothing to endanger the lives of other eldar, even indirectly. Be careful of the consequences of your actions. Do you understand?'

It was all Evarvae could do to keep from rolling her eyes and sighing impatiently. 'Yes, of course.'

'You will take care. Kaelmandalos will make sure of it.'

'Protect the _mon'keigh_-lover?' said Kaelmandalos, picking his teeth with one of his knives. 'I can do that if you want.' He looked Evarvae up and down, seemingly without interest. 'For how long do you want me to watch over her?'

Evarvae didn't say anything while Valatyr told her what was going to happen. She knew she didn't have a choice in the matter. Valatyr would not release her unless she agreed to his terms. It would cause her a small amount of difficulty, but nothing she could not overcome. She would get what she wanted in the end.

* * *

_Note: Well, I'll see what happens in the roleplaying game. I'm looking forward to playing._ _(Buy_ Rogue Trader! _It's a great game!)_


End file.
